why am i always so stupid and rash.
and shittily horrible and mean and unreasonable and irritating.
why must i always say such things;
then regret.
im sorry.
you dont deserve this.
its all my fault.
ive been doing this to you so many times.
im really sorry.
if i could, i would take back my words.
i wish you didnt see it at all.
today went to shinwei's hse with yanti. few funny things happened:
-shinwei dropped e bowl of hot melted white chocolate when taking it out after 'steaming', and some chocolate splashed onto my foot. thenafter, the pot which contained the hot water used for melting the chocolate fell too.
-we didnt noe that cannot put glass into the microwave. thus, we tried melting the choc in a glass bowl in the microwave. after melting, took the bowl out, and after awhile, shinwei touched e bowl and it split into 3 pieces.
-our cake was supposed to be sponge cake, but it ended up looking and tasting like brownie instead. and it looked like it was from a MIX. but no can, we made it from flour and whatever la.
-first, our cake rose, then it sank, then, the middle rose and the sides sank. what kinda cake is dat?
-we smelt a burnt smell and thought the cake was burning, but afterdat realised dat it was actually the chocolate dat was burning, not the cake.
-when i attempted to melt the white chocolate, it ended up looking gross, like vomit or baby food, and when yanti went to stir it, it turned okay. rawks.
-when i put the melted but hardened again chocolate into the microwave to melt it again, a bit of the bowl caught fire, and there was some spark or whatever, and i found it amusing and kept wanting to do it again, but shinwei didnt allow me cos she scared her microwave spoil.
-the STUPID STUPID chocolate pieces for my box kept breaking! and i had to cement it back together again with melted chocolate.
-my marbling was unsuccessful and it ended up looking weird and messy.
-walnuts doesnt taste nice.
-shinwei, yanti and i are all sick of chocolate.
-yanti gave up on making a box cos her pieces always break.
-i succeeded on making my box when i came home, but took about 1 h to do it, and it kept breaking, and after many tries, i finally succeeded. did it until almost cried man, cos kept breaking.
-and we used ALOT of butter in the chocolate la. mygod. really alot. what a sinful dessert.
-we spent about 4hrs making the thingy.
-i grounded the walnuts.
-shinwei was a great help.
-i learnt how to fold the mixture.
-unicurd tofu dessert rawks.
-shinwei make the honey water is nice.
dats about all i guess. giving her tmr. but dunno how to give leh. haii. saddening. okay. gg to slp alr. bye.
i love you
iLOVEu
|9:27 AM|
you're leaving soon..
there wont be any motivation for me to go to school anymore.
why did i know you so late?
and we dont even spend time with each other.
okay then.
if you dont care, i shant too.
since you didnt come and look for me for the letter
i shant give it to you.
why should i, when you're not even interested?
i can bet, whatever we, or you, promised to do after your o levels,
we wont do.
i know it all too well.
disappointment, time and again.
ive had enough.
i dont have high hopes anymore.
i still think its unfair.
why does she get everything when i get nothing?
thanks alot.
when i get nothing, do you hear me making any noise?
i cant say e same for her.
iLOVEu
|7:19 AM|
i hate life.
nothing good ever comes my way.
i thought you cared. apparently you dont.
its always been so one-sided.
why am i so blind.
why did we even 'reconcile' in the first place.
i knew that nothing would come out of it anyway.
its obvious, you dont like me.
thanks for saying that you do man.
i always get false hope.
and its always disappointment in the end.
some people get everything.
positions, snrs who care alot about them, everything.
me? nothing.
why am i so unlucky.
i put in effort, and in the end, what? NOTHING.
i hate cedar.
it has caused me so much tears, sorrow, disappointment.
you are leaving soon already,
but do we even treasure the time?
i asked you to come take from me.
you said you were busy.
why din you come some other time or aft sch or sth?
its clear, you dont even care about it, dont even want it.
so whats the point of me wanting to give?
thanks man.
i treated you like gold
you treated me like sawdust.
why had i even been chosen for ltc in the first place?
like this, i wouldnt be instructor, and i wouldnt meet you.
why do you claim you care,
when you dont even give a damn about me when im down?
sighs.
im at a loss now.
i really want to die.
iLOVEu
|5:25 AM|
had flag selling yesterday. the line i said about a million times was
'excuse me, would you like to donate?'
said it continously at some times somemore la.
okay briefly write down what happened.
collected e bags at ck tang there, then walked around orchard awhile but so many ppl doing flagselling. the seven of us split up into 2 groups. me cynthia and huiwen one group, jocelyn amanda cheryl faizah the other. my group decided to go novena. the other group went bugis. novena rawks la, many ppl donate, somemore is not i ask them one, is they come up to me and donate one la. collected alot there, then not much crowd le, so decided go somewhere else. went toapayoh, but apparently there already got ppl selling, so went bishan. worse. so many people selling la. so went ang mo kio. sucks la there the people. so stingy one. so went mos burger to er. slack. haha. slacked there for almost 2 hours, den huiwen left cos she only doing half day. so cynthia and i stayed there. then we decided to go back novena, but there not much people already. when we were at united square there, passed by these 2 guys who were giving out flyers. Den one asked me, eh you wan help me throw? It was this big pile. Den I jus take la, cos liddat dey can end faster ma. Den I asked him donate, den he donated $1, den I told him say I help him throw more, den he donate more la. haha. But nv la. den we went kovan. Quite a lot of ppl. Then they playing some national day game thingy there, got different groups and they hafta go different stations one. So must involve members of public one, den dis group dey ask us to sing at dis station la. dey say if we sing, they will each donate $2 to us, ya, den at 1st we dowan one, but dey say we jus need sing like 2 lines only. So okay lor anything la. so its sing dat kinda national songs la. haha. Den afterdat, 2 more groups asked us to sing and I had to sing munerru valiba twice and I din noe how to prounce e words can. Haha. Den dey donate to us la. lol. So kuku. Den got another of the station, its answer qn one. Den we kena twice. Haha. Den saw weisan, and qte a lot of ppl la. collected quite a lot. but so tiring la. so went to ps to give cheryl her wallet and bottle, then we went back to ck tang to return the bags. turns out that ppl like verena they all the back only got a few coins can. den dey ask me to take out some money from my bag to put in theirs. den okay lor, i took out all these 2 dollar notes and gave them la. anyway same charity what. lol im kind la. haha. den afterdat took mrt with zhenluan jocelyn amanda faizah. den ya, decided to sit to harbourfront then back so that we'll have place to sit ma. oh! in the mrt damn funny. got dis couple, the guy damn skinny, the girl er. rather fleshy, den zhenluan pointed them out to me la, den we were like laughing. hahaha abit mean uh. but very funny cos they were like hugging la. haha. zl is damn kuku. reach alr still dunno. haha.
hmm okay i think this is quite not brief rite. but anyway who cares? no one reads anyway. teehee. still havent told anyone about this blog yet. lol.
haha i THINK im gonna take up yoga. -laughs
'hello, im calling you to warn you that i am going to call you'
-teehee.
i miss you. really. haii. :(
iLOVEu
|3:16 PM|
realised i forgot to write about the hierarchy, after reading dhilshad's blog.
3rd august.
we had full strength, cheryl got to report, finally. they announced it.
csm - huiting
asm - gurinderjit
part c staff - rebekah
part b staff - wanxin
part a staff - faizah
shocking. specs then asked us to close our eyes. tears had alr formed. i didn wan to let them flow, cos specs said before, in ncc, we do not cry. thus, i jus lifted my stupid head high n hoped dat in this way, it would not come out. but we had to close our eyes. din wan to close, controlled myself and aft we thanked e specs, ran to the toilet, and realised specs and dhilshad inside, so faster went out. sgt fiona saw. qte alot of people saw actually. couldnt control myself. i felt so so disappointed. two and a half years of hard work. came down to nothing. first period, english. was in the toilet with cheryl and dhilshad for the whole period. people were very nice and comforting. especially pltmates, zhenluan, jiawen, sgt fiona, all. ya. thanks. the day passed in a blur. top period tests, couldnt think properly. would probably fail horribly. parade, had pt, den had 'talking session'. dhilshad cheryl cynthia and me. went to staff. found out quite alot of stuffs. den staff peiying asked me to go look for sgt fiona when thr's time. sgt fiona is really nice.
i really regret spending so much time on nc. all these time, i placed more emphasis on nc, and neglected my studies, and in the end, i dun get anything. thanks man. ugh. i should've joined library or something la.
life is so unfair.
iLOVEu
|11:20 PM|
n we're ic/s now! lol. rather weird to hear them greet us though. ah well. we'll get used to it.
iLOVEu
|8:04 AM|
okay i noe i havent updated in a long long time.
ndp is over. today the ndp.. normal lor. fell asleep for awhile with my eyes open on the parade square. as usual. what a pig.
ytd was school ndp. rained in e morning, but luckily it stopped. was so glad. hmm den went up to hall. was okay, den suddenly became very depressed. den tears just came out. i dun even noe why. probably it was just everything piled together. ya. den had pop and we screwed up our drill. den took some pics. den bathed, and went out. 15 people altogether at first. so nice. first time so many pltmates go out together. huiyun yanti rebekah dhilshad shobana maisha cheryl faizah huiwen achoo gitty nuzie wanxin cynthia and me! whee hee. den ate seoul garden until want to puke, den went to watch the 7.00pm charlie and the chocolate factory. damn nice man. i love it! din disappoint me (: den reached home at 10+. was kinda scared cos its ahem seventh month. all my wala woolie's fault la. go remind me. boo. den ya.
haii. so disappointed. :(
iLOVEu
|7:41 AM|
new blog again. actually no, its just a change or url. so the template and all remains the same. shall not spread this blog it far and wide.
shall talk about monday.
had newspaper cip. carried stupid weighing scale. den went library and i carried down eighteen kg of newspapers all by myself. cos at first got some part as and bs there one, so i gave each of them some newspapers to bring down. then left one pile, and left me alone, so i might as well just bring it all down. almost died while bringing it down, and looked like a freak. somemore 1S bench is like quite far from the library. ya. then brought weighing scale back. den went bugis with yanti and cynthia. actual motive was to buy shoe, but we ended up sitting in bk and chatting till 7+ when yanti had to go home. so cynthia and i went to look at some shoes, and i saw this pair of really really really extremely nice purple and silver heels that is really very nice can. but dun have my size. damn sad la. boo. then couldnt find any nicer thing, so went home.
shall talk about tuesday.
had chinese oral. mr hou liang was my examiner. he looked quite amused at what i was saying. screwed up the middle of the passage. and cos i couldnt hear him properly, i said 'sorry?' great la. CHINESE oral and i go there and say SORRY. rawks la. but he gave me the mark not too bad la. 23/30. at least din fail. ya then afterdat, went kovan there, den waited for wx gitty huiting yanti. den bought paint. and gitty ht went home. and wx and yanti accompanied me till it was time for tuition. then went to meet zl, den went for tuition. den ya, afterdat, went home. btw calsia damn funny. go ask zl help her buy sch shoes. rawks la.
shall talk about wednesday.
had combined ndp practice. was left mark. practice was okay i guess. except that the left bottom of my skirt kept 'getting stuck' between my legs when i sedia or senang-diri. and its qte embarassing cos red cross was directly behind me, when before marching in and when just march in that time. hope they din notice la. ya. den afterdat we did drills. ya. our banging was like damn bad that day can. haii. our standard is deterioating [however you spell it]. sucks la.
shall talk about thursday.
english oral. examiner was mr joshua sng. calsia also had the same examiner, and i was saying that she would get high marks cos same sirname. lol. waited long for my turn. passage was okay i guess. picture.. dunno how was it. but i thought dis person was a guy, when it was actually a woman. baik la. last time i also liddat, guess e wrong sex. den cos the topic was about hair. den during the conversation, i was complaining about how i regretted cutting my hair, and how horrible it looks now, all sticking out here and there, and i even show him the action of how my hair sticks out. haha. he seems really nice la. think he was a little amused at me complaining so much, and he said 'your hair looks fine actually' with a smile. nice la he! too bad he doesnt teach my class english. haha.
shall talk about friday.
racial harmony day. stupidly forgot to bring my camera. morning, went for 'pt' which was taking pictures with specs between 4m and 4i. but din take pics, den we went back during recess to take. then went canteen. then went to hall to sing. nth much, den went back class. den also nothing much. after school, took some pics, den saw eric tan standing outside 3N looking out for those ppl who had to go amath remedial. i tot dun haf can. den wanted to pon but he alr saw me. boo. so went with cynthia. den afterdat, went to 1S bench to look for newspaper ppl, den dey having interaction with staff and sgt fiona. den dey were laughing at my nails, my nose, my hair. den took pic with them, and went to slec to paint banner and watch red x pop. stood thr for v long watching. process was long and complicated. results was as i expected. saw her. then went to paint banner until 7+ when sir came and chased us out of the school. ya. think thats it.
now shall talk about saturday.
ndp. rained heavily. our holding area position was in front of red cross. so got talk abit to zl dey all. ate pizza hut for lunch, kfc for dinner. trancated [dunno how to spell] rehearsal was short. before show, went with wx and dhil to the toilet. mobile toilet crowded and no toilet paper. went to real toilet. queue even worse. so many red x ppl. wanted to cut queue at zl dey all thr but dey dun let us. so decided to take toilet ppr and go mobile toilet. inside toilet dun have, so went to knock on shutters and they guy in the store gave us the whole big fat roll. which we shared with the cedar red x ppl, then pushed it to a sjc npcc girl. den went mobile toilet. den during the real show, was day-dreaming to pass time. crowd sucked cos was so unenthu. choir sang 'jia', felt sad. hand got numb. oh and learnt abit of sign language. from huiting who learnt from hualin. den on the bus, saw fireworks. i was watching it upside down and thus got headache. formed nc choir again and sang songs. reached school, fetched huiting out then went for dinner. thats all.
shall shall talk about today.
morning woke up, slacked arnd. then went for service. mr joshua sng was invited there. so i said hi to him and asked him if he remembered me. he said yes. then i asked him how was my oral marks. and he said i topped the thing, as in those that he marked i think. den i said he was bluffing, den he say, no really. me and another girl got top marks among those he had marks. whee. hope its true. he rawks man. hes like damn nice la. haha. den after talking about oral i din noe what else to talk about so we jus smiled and nodded at each other and i felt abit lame so i looked away. haha. den during service wasnt really concentrating, dunno why, den jus kept drawing stuffs. den came home and was supposed to study, but cant remember what i did le. din study much la. ya. sucks. i got 5 tests next week i think. haii. gonna die la.
this is a rather long entry, i suppose. its now 0111 hrs and im not sleeping, nor studying. great. i had planned to study my geog. and until now haven even bought my chinese shou ce yet. great. chi test is on tues. hope i do well man. i need to count chi in my l1r5. boo. i better do well for end of year. if not can just go and die.
heard that pop is on 8 august. school ndp day. think that day is gonna be nice. first, got school ndp, den, maybe pop, den, charlie is gonna go out and eat seoul garden, den, watch charlie and the chocolate factory. yayness. what a fun day. especially the charlie and the choc factory part. have been anticipating this movie since march i think. but i dun like johnny depp. willy wonka wasn what i expected. how sad. but nevermind.
hmm wait. if pop is on 8 aug, wouldn dat be in a week's time? and the hierarchy isnt even out yet. hope we get to know of it soon.
-you dont want to have anything to do with me, do you.
read the sunday times article. title is 'an sms story'.
sounds abit like us. except that ours is not those kind, and also ours includes paper and pen.
guess what. my mum and sis suspects im unstraight.
baik la.
like since when man.
august is here. so many ppl's birthdays.
okay im tired. byebye.
-tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody, wish there was a chance to say im sorry, cant you see, thats the way i feel, about you and me, baby. have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking, i should know, cos i loved and lost, the day i let you go.
am i supposed to feel the same way again?
iLOVEu
|9:37 AM|
boo!
iLOVEu
|3:58 AM|